[pre]Long ago many creatures were forced out of this world and into another plain of reality called Hamartia. All of the creatures were thought to be evil; but they were unjustly accused. But Eight creatures were found to be the most evil and too powerful for the human world. They willingly went into the different plain. The living embodiments of the Seven Deadly Sins and Sin itself.
This is the story of the youngest child of Sin and how she changes both worlds.
1
The red sun was covered by black clouds; patches of white sky are barely noticeable in the sea of black clouds. My short white hair danced with the cold winds. The landscape to the North and West is a barren wasteland. A place where only foolish bugs and brave lizards could live in relative comfort. In the greatly different South and East, black roses are blooming and the blood red waters moved with the winds. Fire wolves and their pups played in the woods that have great willows growing as tall as three hundred feet. Night elves and dark pixies played their own version of hide 'n' seek. It resembles paradise, I guess.
I never truly grasped some human ideas, like paradise, good, evil, beliefs, and religion. I was in religion enough; my name is Wrath, the youngest daughter and child of Sin. Most humans think I’m evil, I might be. I don’t know how powerful I can be, my powers haven’t awoken, my power as a sin. Someday I will awaken my powers by feeling wrath, but for now I have no reason to be wrathful.
“It’s such a nice day,” I say to myself. “I wonder when someone will ruin it.” I said this knowing full well that my brother Greed, the sixth child and closest to my age, was standing right behind me.
“I knew you would be on the Tower, sister,” he said as his flat spiky golden hair flew in the wind.
“Yes I’m always here. What do you want?”
“I can’t check in on my little sister every now and then?”
I looked into his black eyes and said,” No.”
I looked his face over, he and I looked very similar; we had the same pointed ears, the same skin, and if I cut my hair, the same hair. The difference is, his eyes are pitch black (like my other siblings), while my eyes are an empty white. His hair shined like gold, my hair was just as empty as my eyes. The one thing he had and I didn’t was the mark. Over his right eyebrow, there is a black triangle, which slopes down. This means that he became his name by feeling greed. He got much more powerful when he got it. Right now it’s barely noticeable because of his hair.
"That's not the reason I climbed the tower to see you, Wrath."
“Then what is the reason, littlest big brother?”
“Father wishes to see you.”
That struck a chord, my father, Sin was the living embodiment of all sin. The first thing I remember my oldest brother, Lust said to me was ”Don’t get on father’s bad side.” I took those words to heart.
“Why does he want to see me?” My voice was shaking like a child in the cold.
“Think about it, Wrath, he wants to know why you don’t have your mark yet.”
I started playing with my black wristbands. A nervous habit. I was at a loss for words but I put on a calm face and said,”Oh well, I might as well go…”
Greed looked at me with concern; he and I came from the same Mother. He remembers very little about her, I remember nothing. Our other siblings were born from a wind demon named Lilith. Pride and Gluttony look at us like we are worthless and act like they hate us. Lust, Envy, and Sloth are okay, I guess.
“See you later, Greed,” I said, as I walked towards the edge of the Tower. The tower isn’t a real tower, it’s a natural pillar of stone, and the Tower is just what we call it. It’s about fourth of a mile high and at the top it’s perfectly flat. There is nothing higher than the Tower. No, I can’t fly but I jump very well and I’m basically immortal. Only a sword (not a gun or any other weapon) in the heart can kill a sin. For a few seconds I wondered if I should jump or walk off. I jumped off the edge.
As I jumped Greed said good luck. I would reach the ground momentarily. My short hair wiped my face. I was deaf to all but the wind; which roared like a wolf in a cage. The key is not to have your mouth open, bugs taste bad. I landed softly on the ground. The smell of the air changed, it smelled like a storm but not like rain and all the clouds are gone. This storm was something completely different, a different kind of evil.
[/pre]
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
First off, what's with the font? It's really weird.
I'm not going to copy edit, but some things I noticed:
The infodump at the beginning is a bad, bad thing. Infodumping is bad enough, but putting it at the beginning is even worse. This sounds like the sort of thing that might go on a book jacket, not at the beginning of the story.
How does she have "empty hair"? That doesn't really make sense. Is it dull and greasy, maybe?
The black wristbands sound like Hot Topic poster child clothing. Maybe it's not what you intended, but that's all I can think of, except maybe the clothes that the Sins wear in FMA.
Some other things to consider: is she the only girl? (I skimmed a little.) Why? Why is it that the only thing that can kill them is a sword? What happened to Lilith? &c.
(... and Sumi-chan, the Seven Deadlies are way, way older than Fullmetal Alchemist, and I'd be willing to bet that they'd been personified before. It might've been where Bunny got the idea, but that doesn't make it a ripoff.)
The concept behind this is good but you mainly info dump and tell us, not show. It doesn't let the reader connect to your story and it just spoils it. We, as readers want to find out things for ourselves. If you just tell us the info then it defeats the purpose really.
Rewrite this. Show us the information, not tell us. If you do that, this story would be very enjoyable.
[s]Gasp! FMA Rippoff! FMA Rippoff! :hugs little Wraith and Envy:[/s]
:Ahem:
That was totally uncalled for, but.... :hugs Envy and Wraith plushies:
I don't feel like line-by-lining.
1. You're infodumping! An infodump is basically a long-winded explanation about a character or a place. And you're spitting information like watermelon seeds here. You need to incorporate the information gradually, like, instead of saying that her hair was white, "my white hair whipped at my cheeks as I fell" or something.
It's the principle of Show vs. Tell -- Telling us gives us no emotional connection to the characters. Showing does.
2. You're telling, not showing!
See above.
3. Erm, I can see this has potential, but really...the idea is kind of trite. The Seven Deadly Sins as characters....[s]FMA! FMA! FMA!!!!!!!!!!![/s] ...is undoubtedly a fascinating to many, including myself, but it'll take a lot of energy to soup it up.
4. Paragraph this, dialogue-space it and get it out of that font. It's squishing my eyeballs. >.<
5. Repetition of certain words. "Black", "red", "hair", the term "black clouds" at the beginning, et cetera. If you keep up the repetition, people will get bored and stop reading.
[s] 6. Homnunculus! Homnunculus! Ourosboros! Ourosboros! [/s]
6.Unnecessary information.
Why do we need to know about what it looks like in the South or the East? If these details are important to the story, make it a bit like foreshadowing.
>.> anyway, erm....
The striked-out stuff is referring to a little obsession of mine, an anime that revolves around the Seven Deadly Sins and the people that created them, so I'm a bit tender on the subject because I love it sooooooooo much....
Anyway, if you have any questions on my review, don't hesitate to PM me. This is not my best review, but I'm tired........I'll review it again tomorrow if I remember. xD
La! Oyasumi nasai!
Sumi
I have to make this brief, but this is what i got.
1.) It was very short and you confided us to one place. That's not bad, just if you make it longer, it would be nice to add more scenery.
2.) Make it easier for us to tell paragraphs please. In the beginning you made some indents, but you seemed to stop.
3.) I'm not the guy to talk to about spelling and grammar, but I did notice you used the word like a lot and you have to many comas. In some places it sounds broken up to me.
4.) The beginning isn't needed and i would personally take it out. If you want your readers to know that stuff I would find a way to incorporate it with the story. Trust me, I could do something like that with my Fantasy Novel, but i would rather leave the readers pondering and guessing about what happened and exactly where the characters are. Assuming I get that far.
Despite these thing i can't really too much else wrong with it. You have an interesting story and i can't wait to read more.
Also, your title is what really grabbed me. Nice job.